This post was written out on paper several days ago. I’m doing fine today except for a cold.
Positive thoughts don’t come easily sometimes. Sadness, anger, and desperation run through me in a neat cycle. Why can the smallest things — slights or disappointments — send me spiraling downwards? I get so angry about it. I take it out on my family, mostly my poor mother. It can’t be easy having me as a son. Once the anger fades I become desperate to figure out where I “went wrong”, but I know it wasn’t just a simple mistake.
Sometimes I think I’d be better off dead, but I could never kill myself. Thank God for that. I’m exhausted, but I haven’t gotten a full night’s sleep in a month. I just don’t stay asleep anymore.
Who do I have to turn to? Family? They try, but they always want to rationalize what I know to be completely irrational. Close friends? Do I have any? Doctors? They gamble on me with pills.
I try to cope. Pretending I’m a small child again brings mild comfort. I don’t want to be a child. I want to be me. The me that I see when I look in the mirror is an adult. Coping only works for so long before the demon must be called out and confronted head on.
Why must I be sad?
. Anyway, it starts off with me exploring interconnected pavilions for the three major television networks. There is some convention or festival there and various celebrities are there. I get a hug from a hotter than normal Sarah Michelle Gellar dressed in tight black pants and a small black t-shirt. I keep complaining that there’s no Fox area. Eventually, someone notices that I’m wearing my “I’m with CoCo” tee-shirt and drags me over to see Conan O’Brien. His beard has grown back. Whoever has brought me to him is trying to get him interested in my shirt, but it’s clear he doesn’t care. Then he goes off to give a talk about The Simpsons. I follow and quickly wander off. I don’t remember details from there, but John Linnell is present at a talk partly about his music, and I don’t have much money at a giant Barnes and Noble. The B&N is where it turns a little bit psychedelic and becomes a real life video game. It’s an awful lot like various Super Mario games. I think I woke up when I was just about to get a star.